Popping in 2 days in a row! Look at me! I have to share the last 24 hour and how much peace the Saint Anne novena has already brought me.
Remember yesterday how I wrote how I am experiencing the nightly, end of pregnancy anxiety of realizing I am going to have to give birth again? Okay— so my main intention with this novena is all surrounding this birth and trying to find peace (plus praying to please please please have another successful medicated birth). Anyway, last night I had the most amazing (and kind of weird) dream. Dreams are big for me and often a place where I find peace, knowledge, and actually grow closer to God.
Well last night I had a dream that I was in a doctors office looking at a new ultrasound photo of baby boy that was so realistic. I was swooning over how cute he looks when the nurse? doctor? lady said, “Well here, you can look at him.” and I look down and he is outside of me on the exam bed. As soon as I look into his eyes, he gives me the hugest smile— I’m talking like he is a 2-3 month old— and he is just so cute and familiar. Like yes, of course this is him! He has the same shape face as Ollie and Atlas, but with Ollie’s skin tone. His cheeks are no where near how jolly and plump Oliver’s were, but not as trim as Atlas’ were either. His eyes are really dark, more like Atlas’ color but his eye shape is similar to Prim’s. He has a big tuft of hair on top of his head, like Atlas did, but the sides are thin like how Ollie’s hair was.
Combo of these three photos (Oliver, Atlas, Primrose):
Anyway, we are both just beaming at each other and I ask him, “Are you _____ (baby name we think we’ve settled on)? Is that your name?” and he smiled super big and started kicking his legs all excitingly and it clicked to me that I think we finally have his name now. So I pick him up and start nursing him and he keeps giving me those sly nursing smiles. I keep being in awe of how chill and happy he is. I change his diaper and the nurse doctor lady comes back in the room and says, “Okay, it’s time to put him back in. You’ll get to see him again in 9 weeks!” and I so don’t want to hand him back over to go back into my stomach (lol), but I give him a kiss and wake up.
I woke up around sunrise and was just so at peace. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in worrying about birth, that I forget the joy of having and holding my baby at the end of it. It felt like such a divine gift and reminder that this is what I have to look forward to. I also have dreamt what each of my babies (and some of my friends babies) have looked like and it’s usually pretty accurate so I can’t wait to see if that is what he looks like.
Baby boy was so similar to this photo of Atlas:
Another special gift on this second day of the novena was an amazing appt with my OB. Local friends that also see him know that he isn’t chatty and is known for not the best bedside manner, but that he is such an advocate and defender of YOU and your baby and what you want when it’s time to deliver your baby. Well today he was SO talkative and really wanted to hear so much more about my previous births and after explaining how I’m traumatized from Ollie and Atlas’ births (tldr; stuck at 9.5cm for 10 hours plus NICU + stuck again at 9.5cm plus ring of fire) that I feel like I’m not going to get another birth like Prim’s and I’m really anxious about it, he says to me, “Okay, I want you to know that’s not going to happen this time and I’m not going to let that happen this time [the boys births]. If you’re wanting this, we can get things going at 39 weeks. You can have your child care all set up so you don’t have to think about it and as soon as you have the slightest signs of labor, I’ll get you in the hospital and hooked up to that epidural. I don’t want you worrying about this.” and I say, “That is EXACTLY what I want.” and try not to burst into tears of relief. So basically the dream birth I typed out yesterday is the one he described he can make happen for me today. (Annoying note: I know it probably won’t go exactly as planned and there is only so much control in birth, but still. Joy joy joy.)
So there. Such a change in mood from yesterday and really feeling everyone’s prayers and God’s grace upon me right now.
Thank you, thank you.